I turned forty this week. The day sort of crept up on me. We spent it at home cuddling under warm blankets, noshing on yummy food, playing games, and watching movies. Hubby even made me cupcakes.
Forty feels good. It feels solid and steady, grounded, inward, and whole. Twenty and thirty were outward times -- always trying to get somewhere, ambitious, sometimes blue, often grasping. The last ten years have been filled with letting go, falling apart, and coming back together again.
Being pregnant at forty is a curious and beautiful thing. I'm bringing a new life into this world while giving birth to myself and the next phase of my life. During the last few weeks I've been releasing fear and instability and, as Thich Nahat Hanh writes in Touching the Earth, bowing down to receive the earth's energy of stability and fearlessness. I'm turning my focus to images of the sacred feminine, earth goddesses round and full, and practicing seeing myself in Mama Earth herself.
The preface of the Ksitigarbha Sutra says, "Earth means that which is stable, thick, and has a great capacity for embracing." This has become an affirmation for me. It's helping me find my roots -- to open, and soften and feel the stable earth within. We're planning a natural birth at home and I imagine that these are qualities that will help during labor and delivery. It seems that once again, life is giving me just what I need to learn.